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Feb/09

4

Top 10 Ways to Get on IT’s Good Side.

Comments | Posted by Benny Dacks in Funny, Geek, Rants, Top 10

10. Verify your problem.

Example: If you cant load the company website, check another computer. Better yet, check from your iPhone, Android, or Blackberry. Don’t assume that because the site wont load on your computer, the site is down. This is rarely the case. Admins beat their heads against desks when we’re asked to reboot an entire web server because 1 person forgot they were in “Work Offline” mode.

9. Email first, call last.

I’m 2  hours into the day, eyeballs deep in code, completely immersed in what I’m focusing on and RIIIIIIIING! My concentration is shattered by the technological shortcomings of Dwayne from HR. He needs his password reset. This however is not all he decides to tell me. He then goes on inform me that his sister’s uncle’s friend’s dog’s computer crashed the other night and would like me to tell him why. Two hours of excruciating explanation later, I whip out my magic hat, cape, and DIY Voodoo kit, and inform him that I’ll either need more information, or the blood of a sacrificed virgin goat to diagnose the problem. All he needed was a password reset, which could have been solved in seconds via email.

8. Admit Ignorance.

Nothing pisses off an IT professional more than a user who thinks they’re the hot stinkin’ shit. These are the people who insist they know everything, and will jump at the chance to try and correct you. Some people will challenge everything you say, just to split hairs so they can feel less ignorant. The simple fact is, if you dont work in IT, you probably dont know fuck-all about computers and should approach the situation as such. If you are the boss/owner, this applies especially to you. You hired these people because they are knowledgable about things you are not.

7. Respect the key holders

Without your email, network, workstation or phone, you’d be fucked. If any 1 of the aforementioned technologies goes away, so does your paycheck. IT departments work hard to keep interruptions in employee services to a minimum and if they’re doing their job, you should almost never hear from them. Many times this leads upper management to believe that the IT department is busy playing Quake all day when in actuality they’re maintaining status quo as well as holding the hands of your companies technotards.

6. Dont waste company resources.

I don’t care how hot or bangin the new Lil’ Wayne album is. If I catch you torrenting or using Limewire on my pristine, well-oiled network, I’ll format your HD at least once a week and replace all your mp3’s with goat porn.

5. Do not micro-manage us.

The way I deal with this is actually pretty simple. Everytime someone from ‘upstairs’ asks me that bullshit question “What are you working on?” I immediately start reading off lines of code to them. Then if that doesnt confuse the shit out of them, I’ll hit them with a few random computer terms about something completely unrelated to what I’m actually doing, so when(if) they actually research it, they’ll be even more confused. Misinformation is your ally.

4. Realize ‘freelance’ doesnt mean free.

If I had a nickle for every time I was asked to fix a co-worker’s personal computer, or one of their friends/relatives/spouses issues, I could probably actually afford to work for free. Many of us turned to the corporate world out of disdain for the freelancing domain. Feature creep, late payments, picky clients and generally being underapreciated are all good reasons to want a 9-5 office gig. What the bloody hell makes you think that we want to go back to that three ring circus? With that said, if you’re going to ask for our services outside of the domain of the company, you’d better be prepared to at least match our salary, if not more.

3. Check to see if its plugged in (and turned on!).

Please?

2. Take Screenshots, “I got this error” does not help.

This cracks me up. I’ll get a call or an email stating that someone “Got an error” and coincidently slammed face first into a brick wall. On that wall are painted the words OK and Cancel. Just above that is a cryptic riddle from the tiny gremlins that power your computer. This aparently comes with a nerve-agent that melts a normal user’s brain upon sight. Far be it from the user to actually read the error message, let alone hit the button clearly labled “PRINT SCREEN.”

1. Learn how to use Google.

Dont laugh! You’d be surprised how many people have no idea about the awsome power of Google. Chances are, your IT department spends at least 10% of their day on Google, googling things for your employees when they could be focusing on more important tasks. Learn how to use boolean operators and Google-specific query tricks. Become a seeker of knowledge rather than a reciever.

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Jan/09

27

Top 10 Reasons Why Working In IT Sucks

Comments | Posted by Benny Dacks in IT

I’ve been in the IT industry for over 10 years now, and if theres one thing I’ve learned, its that IGNORANCE IS RAMPANT in today’s typical office setting in regard to general computer use. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Who is this guy, why doesnt he just find another job if he hates it so much?.” Well my name is Ben, but many know me as Dacks. I’m a life-time nerd, and I LOVE computers and technology in general. I consider myself to be quite knowledgable in many areas of IT, and I’m always down for a quick geek-out session with another nerd in close proximity, HOWEVER(!) my patience runs thin whenever someone asks me: “Hey how do I [insert google search query]“. Welcome to office life in the IT department.

10. You must explain everything, regardless of simplicity, at least 10,000 times

Sometimes I wish it were actually possible to replace people with small shell scripts. I’m not an alien. I have 2 legs and 2 arms, 1 head, and I speak English. Somehow in that equation, even the most simple explanation is lost in translation when dealing with a Computard. My favorite part is scanning over the poor soul’s ‘notes’ after I’ve just finished oversimplifying how to attach a word document to an email, only to find an entire Library of Congress worth of text just to cover: 1. Click Attach, 2. Find File, 3. Click OK.

9. At least 3 times a week, someone will say “I can’t print”.

Nick Burns Anyone? This is one of those comments that drives me bat-shit insane. Printers, possibly the most low-tech device in the whole office, somehow manage to foil your 36 kill streak in Quake just about every hour, on the hour. How is it, that a device with a average of 3 buttons, 1 blinking light, and PAPER can be so confusing to the common user? Forget trying to explain what a driver is…

8. You get the same emails, 500 times.

Here’s the scenario. You’ve actually done your job! The website’s traffic is through the roof thanks to you brilliant S.E.O. tactics and semantic code. The problem? “OMG THE SITE IS SLOW” echoes out from the nether regions of your cubicle circus. The first wave of emails from the marketing department come raining in. As soon as you’re done hitting DELETE on the bunch, a second department feels its nessicary to alert you with an individual email from each employee, all stating their own nifty hypothesis as to why the site is so slow. After about 9 waves, you start recieving the “Did you get my email” email, followed up by the “Did you get my email about my email” phone call. Mass murder ensues shortly after.

7. You’re the first to show up, and the last to leave.

God forbid anyone decides to learn how to turn their own machine on or off. Having a ’schedule’ might seem like a good way to decide when to arrive and depart, however your time as an IT administrator does not enter the mind of the co-worker who’s late for Greys Anatomy re-runs. People will leave you the most ridiculous list of tasks to rush through, usually in the last 10 seconds of the work day. You can expect to be bumped up 1 notch on my hitlist for this infraction.

6. Nobody ever saves you any coffee.

Leave it to the advertising team to lick the pot clean, occasionally saving you the smallest, coffee-ground soup-ish, coldest drop of sludge. I broke down and bought a coffee pot which sits right next to me, guarded by a pair of rabid doberman pinchers with sniper rifles.

5. The dreaded “What are you working on?”

Nothing pisses me off more than some idiot poking their head into my office and blurting out “Hey, What are you working on?” I usually approach this question with a deep breathe, followed by a brief moral struggle over whether or not to turn this moron’s brain into an even more viscous mush. Answering this question honestly will often result in your coworker’s head exploding. There is a reason why I am paid to understand these things, and you are not. If you truly don’t care to understand, then by all means, have a nice helping of shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

4. For every hour you spend trying to make things easier, you’ll create 10 more hours of explanation

Forget trying to make these fools’ lives easier. It will only result in further frustration. Let them slink into their anti productive work flows. The more company time they piss away doing things ‘how they’ve done them for 10 years’, the less time they have to bother you. Something as small as moving an icon can have terrible butterfly-effect results. Expect questions like:
“DROOOOOOOOOL…….DERRRRRR……FGGGGGGGGGHHHHNNNNN….UMMMM….WHERE IS MY WINDOWS?”

3. Updates from outer space!

Somewhere along the line, a developer had a brilliant idea that would in fact forever degrade the patience of future developers and administrators: Updates. First of all, don’t get me wrong, updates are great (if you can wrap your head around this astronomical concept). My major gripe here is the fact that a perfectly well written dialogue box, in plain English, will undoubtedly read “PLEASE CALL SOMEONE INTO YOUR OFFICE, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING, TO CLICK ‘OK’ ” to the average grunt. The update might as well read “I am an idiot, Click Yes, Ok, or Uh-Huh”.

2. Do you think you can _____ ?

Unless your name is Boss, or Manager, I never want to hear this come out of your mouth. Ever. This phrase, as innocent as it seems, is a portal to another dimension where every second of your personal life is sucked dry by the things that will “only take a second.” Accept no side jobs from co-workers. You WILL be underpaid and overworked due to your ‘working’ relationship, with no possibility of actually getting what you’re worth. Unless they’re willing to pay you double what you’re making at the gig, walk away. I don’t “think I can” do anything, I know what I can do, and I know how much its going to cost you, and you probably can’t afford it.

1. You are everyone’s personal Google-er.

My mind was blown away the other day by my friend James, who sent me what I feel is the best invention since Google. It’s called LetMeGoogleThatForYou. Basically, its the most passive aggressive way to let someone know that what they just asked you, when typed into Google, will probaly give you a better explination than I can ever give. To some, this may come off as an insult, but others will be wisked away to the magical land of AJAX where an invisible pink elephant will dance into their office and type their question into Google for them. It even hits the search button for you. A dyslexic retard with 1 hand and a lazy eye can usually take it from here. Either way, they’re out of my hair.

Do you have any ridiculous office-related stories you’d like to share with us? Till then, try and keep the high powered weapons out of plain site. They might catch on to your plan…

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Dec/08

26

Top 10 Missing Features in The Android G1 by Google

Comments | Posted by Benny Dacks in Top 10

Image representing Android as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

Let me start by saying that I’m very impressed with the G1. I’ve owned it for about 2 weeks and I cant believe I was without a phone of this caliber for so long. With that said, I’ve got a few ideas for version 2. Here are the Top 10 Missing Features in the Android G1.

10. Video Capture

This is a given. I’ve read about the Cupcake Project, but I’m not about to mangle my new phone’s OS just to try a beta SVN build of hacks. A glaring WTF.

9. A beer drinking program.

I cant imagine this would be that hard to port, or re-create with an actual particle engine.  Im sure someone over at Blender is working on this.

8. No Google Earth.

Seriously google. What the fuck… It’s even on the iGotPwnedBySteveJobs.

7. No Multi-Touch.

I have to say this is very surprising, with all the surface control hype today you’d think this would be a standard component to any touch screen technology. I hear ATM’s even have this now.

6. Youtube only?

What about break.com, nothingtoxic.com, and metacafe.com???????

5. Internal Memory is insufficient.

I’ve got about 50 apps installed, all of which are around 1 mb or less and Im running out of room.  I really hope they extend NTFS to the external storage. Then I can actually USE that fancy card I robbed off that midget at the mall.

4. Battery life sucks.

With everything turned on, it only gets about 8 hours. I went back to the store and complained, netting me 3 free batteries. Score.

3. Slow Processor.

We need more juice! The multitasking features are great, but it boggs down after 2 or 3 apps. Why can’t they slap an i7 in there.

2. Support for multiple Gmail accounts.

Teh fail.

1. Video Chat.

Ok. mabey its a pipe-dream. How cool would it be to Skype video-chat from your phone…or Camfrog even.

Bleh. I need to take a shit.

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Nov/08

24

Top 10 Reasons Why Working in IT Sucks

Comments | Posted by Benny Dacks in Geek, Top 10

I’ve been in the IT industry for over 10 years now, and if theres one thing I’ve learned, its that IGNORANCE IS RAMPANT in today’s typical office setting in regard to general computer use. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Who is this guy, why doesnt he just find another job if he hates it so much?.” Well my name is Ben, but many know me as Dacks. I’m a life-time nerd, and I LOVE computers and technology in general. I consider myself to be quite knowledgable in many areas of IT, and I’m always down for a quick geek-out session with another nerd in close proximity, HOWEVER(!) my patience runs thin whenever someone asks me: “Hey how do I [insert google search query]“. Welcome to office life in the IT department.

10. You must explain everything, regardless of simplicity, at least 10,000 times

Sometimes I wish it were actually possible to replace people with small shell scripts. I’m not an alien. I have 2 legs and 2 arms, 1 head, and I speak English. Somehow in that equation, even the most simple explanation is lost in translation when dealing with a Computard. My favorite part is scanning over the poor soul’s ‘notes’ after I’ve just finished oversimplifying how to attach a word document to an email, only to find an entire Library of Congress worth of text just to cover: 1. Click Attach, 2. Find File, 3. Click OK.

9. At least 3 times a week, someone will say “I can’t print”.

Nick Burns Anyone? This is one of those comments that drives me bat-shit insane. Printers, possibly the most low-tech device in the whole office, somehow manage to foil your 36 kill streak in Quake just about every hour, on the hour. How is it, that a device with a average of 3 buttons, 1 blinking light, and PAPER can be so confusing to the common user? Forget trying to explain what a driver is…

8. You get the same emails, 500 times.

Here’s the scenario. You’ve actually done your job! The website’s traffic is through the roof thanks to you brilliant S.E.O. tactics and semantic code. The problem? “OMG THE SITE IS SLOW” echoes out from the nether regions of your cubicle circus. The first wave of emails from the marketing department come raining in. As soon as you’re done hitting DELETE on the bunch, a second department feels its nessicary to alert you with an individual email from each employee, all stating their own nifty hypothesis as to why the site is so slow. After about 9 waves, you start recieving the “Did you get my email” email, followed up by the “Did you get my email about my email” phone call. Mass murder ensues shortly after.

7. You’re the first to show up, and the last to leave.

God forbid anyone decides to learn how to turn their own machine on or off. Having a ’schedule’ might seem like a good way to decide when to arrive and depart, however your time as an IT administrator does not enter the mind of the co-worker who’s late for Greys Anatomy re-runs. People will leave you the most ridiculous list of tasks to rush through, usually in the last 10 seconds of the work day. You can expect to be bumped up 1 notch on my hitlist for this infraction.

6. Nobody ever saves you any coffee.

Leave it to the advertising team to lick the pot clean, occasionally saving you the smallest, coffee-ground soup-ish, coldest drop of sludge. I broke down and bought a coffee pot which sits right next to me, guarded by a pair of rabid doberman pinchers with sniper rifles.

5. The dreaded “What are you working on?”

Nothing pisses me off more than some idiot poking their head into my office and blurting out “Hey, What are you working on?” I usually approach this question with a deep breathe, followed by a brief moral struggle over whether or not to turn this moron’s brain into an even more viscous mush. Answering this question honestly will often result in your coworker’s head exploding. There is a reason why I am paid to understand these things, and you are not. If you truly don’t care to understand, then by all means, have a nice helping of shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

4. For every hour you spend trying to make things easier, you’ll create 10 more hours of explanation

Forget trying to make these fools’ lives easier. It will only result in further frustration. Let them slink into their anti productive work flows. The more company time they piss away doing things ‘how they’ve done them for 10 years’, the less time they have to bother you. Something as small as moving an icon can have terrible butterfly-effect results. Expect questions like:
“DROOOOOOOOOL…….DERRRRRR……FGGGGGGGGGHHHHNNNNN….UMMMM….WHERE IS MY WINDOWS?”

3. Updates from outer space!

Somewhere along the line, a developer had a brilliant idea that would in fact forever degrade the patience of future developers and administrators: Updates. First of all, don’t get me wrong, updates are great (if you can wrap your head around this astronomical concept). My major gripe here is the fact that a perfectly well written dialogue box, in plain English, will undoubtedly read “PLEASE CALL SOMEONE INTO YOUR OFFICE, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING, TO CLICK ‘OK’ ” to the average grunt. The update might as well read “I am an idiot, Click Yes, Ok, or Uh-Huh”.

2. Do you think you can _____ ?

Unless your name is Boss, or Manager, I never want to hear this come out of your mouth. Ever. This phrase, as innocent as it seems, is a portal to another dimension where every second of your personal life is sucked dry by the things that will “only take a second.” Accept no side jobs from co-workers. You WILL be underpaid and overworked due to your ‘working’ relationship, with no possibility of actually getting what you’re worth. Unless they’re willing to pay you double what you’re making at the gig, walk away. I don’t “think I can” do anything, I know what I can do, and I know how much its going to cost you, and you probably can’t afford it.

1. You are everyone’s personal Google-er.

My mind was blown away the other day by my friend James, who sent me what I feel is the best invention since Google. It’s called LetMeGoogleThatForYou. Basically, its the most passive aggressive way to let someone know that what they just asked you, when typed into Google, will probaly give you a better explination than I can ever give. To some, this may come off as an insult, but others will be wisked away to the magical land of AJAX where an invisible pink elephant will dance into their office and type their question into Google for them. It even hits the search button for you. A dyslexic retard with 1 hand and a lazy eye can usually take it from here. Either way, they’re out of my hair.

Do you have any ridiculous office-related stories you’d like to share with us? Till then, try and keep the high powered weapons out of plain site. They might catch on to your plan…

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