If I only had a nickel for every time I’ve face-palmed myself in this situation.

Computer, ffffuuuuuu, fix, help, lol, repair, stick figure, toolbars Hide

I’ve been in the IT industry for over 10 years now, and if theres one thing I’ve learned, its that IGNORANCE IS RAMPANT in today’s typical office setting in regard to general computer use. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Who is this guy, why doesnt he just find another job if he hates it so much?.” Well my name is Ben, but many know me as Dacks. I’m a life-time nerd, and I LOVE computers and technology in general. I consider myself to be quite knowledgable in many areas of IT, and I’m always down for a quick geek-out session with another nerd in close proximity, HOWEVER(!) my patience runs thin whenever someone asks me: “Hey how do I [insert google search query]“. Welcome to office life in the IT department.

10. You must explain everything, regardless of simplicity, at least 10,000 times

Sometimes I wish it were actually possible to replace people with small shell scripts. I’m not an alien. I have 2 legs and 2 arms, 1 head, and I speak English. Somehow in that equation, even the most simple explanation is lost in translation when dealing with a Computard. My favorite part is scanning over the poor soul’s ‘notes’ after I’ve just finished oversimplifying how to attach a word document to an email, only to find an entire Library of Congress worth of text just to cover: 1. Click Attach, 2. Find File, 3. Click OK.

9. At least 3 times a week, someone will say “I can’t print”.

Nick Burns Anyone? This is one of those comments that drives me bat-shit insane. Printers, possibly the most low-tech device in the whole office, somehow manage to foil your 36 kill streak in Quake just about every hour, on the hour. How is it, that a device with a average of 3 buttons, 1 blinking light, and PAPER can be so confusing to the common user? Forget trying to explain what a driver is…

8. You get the same emails, 500 times.

Here’s the scenario. You’ve actually done your job! The website’s traffic is through the roof thanks to you brilliant S.E.O. tactics and semantic code. The problem? “OMG THE SITE IS SLOW” echoes out from the nether regions of your cubicle circus. The first wave of emails from the marketing department come raining in. As soon as you’re done hitting DELETE on the bunch, a second department feels its nessicary to alert you with an individual email from each employee, all stating their own nifty hypothesis as to why the site is so slow. After about 9 waves, you start recieving the “Did you get my email” email, followed up by the “Did you get my email about my email” phone call. Mass murder ensues shortly after.

7. You’re the first to show up, and the last to leave.

God forbid anyone decides to learn how to turn their own machine on or off. Having a ’schedule’ might seem like a good way to decide when to arrive and depart, however your time as an IT administrator does not enter the mind of the co-worker who’s late for Greys Anatomy re-runs. People will leave you the most ridiculous list of tasks to rush through, usually in the last 10 seconds of the work day. You can expect to be bumped up 1 notch on my hitlist for this infraction.

6. Nobody ever saves you any coffee.

Leave it to the advertising team to lick the pot clean, occasionally saving you the smallest, coffee-ground soup-ish, coldest drop of sludge. I broke down and bought a coffee pot which sits right next to me, guarded by a pair of rabid doberman pinchers with sniper rifles.

5. The dreaded “What are you working on?”

Nothing pisses me off more than some idiot poking their head into my office and blurting out “Hey, What are you working on?” I usually approach this question with a deep breathe, followed by a brief moral struggle over whether or not to turn this moron’s brain into an even more viscous mush. Answering this question honestly will often result in your coworker’s head exploding. There is a reason why I am paid to understand these things, and you are not. If you truly don’t care to understand, then by all means, have a nice helping of shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

4. For every hour you spend trying to make things easier, you’ll create 10 more hours of explanation

Forget trying to make these fools’ lives easier. It will only result in further frustration. Let them slink into their anti productive work flows. The more company time they piss away doing things ‘how they’ve done them for 10 years’, the less time they have to bother you. Something as small as moving an icon can have terrible butterfly-effect results. Expect questions like:
“DROOOOOOOOOL…….DERRRRRR……FGGGGGGGGGHHHHNNNNN….UMMMM….WHERE IS MY WINDOWS?”

3. Updates from outer space!

Somewhere along the line, a developer had a brilliant idea that would in fact forever degrade the patience of future developers and administrators: Updates. First of all, don’t get me wrong, updates are great (if you can wrap your head around this astronomical concept). My major gripe here is the fact that a perfectly well written dialogue box, in plain English, will undoubtedly read “PLEASE CALL SOMEONE INTO YOUR OFFICE, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING, TO CLICK ‘OK’ ” to the average grunt. The update might as well read “I am an idiot, Click Yes, Ok, or Uh-Huh”.

2. Do you think you can _____ ?

Unless your name is Boss, or Manager, I never want to hear this come out of your mouth. Ever. This phrase, as innocent as it seems, is a portal to another dimension where every second of your personal life is sucked dry by the things that will “only take a second.” Accept no side jobs from co-workers. You WILL be underpaid and overworked due to your ‘working’ relationship, with no possibility of actually getting what you’re worth. Unless they’re willing to pay you double what you’re making at the gig, walk away. I don’t “think I can” do anything, I know what I can do, and I know how much its going to cost you, and you probably can’t afford it.

1. You are everyone’s personal Google-er.

My mind was blown away the other day by my friend James, who sent me what I feel is the best invention since Google. It’s called LetMeGoogleThatForYou. Basically, its the most passive aggressive way to let someone know that what they just asked you, when typed into Google, will probaly give you a better explination than I can ever give. To some, this may come off as an insult, but others will be wisked away to the magical land of AJAX where an invisible pink elephant will dance into their office and type their question into Google for them. It even hits the search button for you. A dyslexic retard with 1 hand and a lazy eye can usually take it from here. Either way, they’re out of my hair.

Do you have any ridiculous office-related stories you’d like to share with us? Till then, try and keep the high powered weapons out of plain site. They might catch on to your plan…

Related articles

• Where have all the women gone?
• I Heart Geeks
• Geeks, nerds, or dorks?
• Nerd or Geek?
• What kind of Geek are you?
• Robot Lingerie: Totally Geeky or Geek Chic?
• Rubik’s Cube Alarm Clock: Totally Geeky or Geek Chic?
• The top 10 greatest geeks of all time
• The Ars Technica Holiday Gift Guide 2008
• MIT To Say No More Nerds?
• Tonight: Supporting the Troops (By Drinking)
• Sorting 1PB with MapReduce
• Google: Site Search Tweak for Publishers
• Department of Civil Disobedience: Google Should Deliver Its YouTube Data to Viacom in Paper Form
• Our disappearing web
• Google to present millions of photos from ‘Life’ archives
• Google’s Android takes your conversation too seriously [Android]
• Google investing profits in data centres
• Should Organizations Get To Ignore Copyright For The Sake Of Preservation?

Computer, Geeks and Nerds, Google, history, Information, Library of Congress, Nerd, Outer space, Plain English, Quake, Search, Search Engines, Searching, Shell script, Subcultures, Technology Hide

10. Make your own hours.

I think I’ll take today off. Actually, I think I’ll take the whole week off. Fuck it, call me in a month.

9. Work in your underwear.

This can backfire. Make sure you’re contacts dont use Skype, or Camfrog.

8. No Co-workers to deal with.

Finally, I can work without worrying about how to hide all these bodies.

7. No Commute!

I live in LA. FUCK TRAFFIC.

6. You’re always precisely on time. 

Thats right. I meant to show up at 9:08am. Cock.

5. Smoke while you are doing it.

ATHF reference for the perpetually cool.

4. Take a shit in your own toilet.

Nothing like familiar porcelain on your ass-cheeks while you make poop soup.

3. Porn breaks.

Hooray for PORN! 

2. Use you own computers.

I hate working on someone else’s computer, You never know how many times they #3′d on the keyboard.

1. Be your own boss.

Hell motherfucking yes. 

Related articles by Zemanta

• eBay bomb scare caused by suspicious package [Followup]
• The Search for Carl
• Hit Bull Win Steak: I’m most thankful for …
• Aqua Teen Hunger Force Air Force Ones
• Jenny McCarthy claims magical healing powers
• Jenny McCarthy claims magical healing powers
• Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Bible Fruit (season finale?)
• Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie Playing Online for Free
• Star Simpson, one year after Boston airport terror-scare: unedited BBtv interview transcript
• Skype sued for old money

Aqua Teen Hunger Force, camfrog, Computer, fuck, Health, shit, Skype, Toilet Hide

I’ve been in the IT industry for over 10 years now, and if theres one thing I’ve learned, its that IGNORANCE IS RAMPANT in today’s typical office setting in regard to general computer use. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Who is this guy, why doesnt he just find another job if he hates it so much?.” Well my name is Ben, but many know me as Dacks. I’m a life-time nerd, and I LOVE computers and technology in general. I consider myself to be quite knowledgable in many areas of IT, and I’m always down for a quick geek-out session with another nerd in close proximity, HOWEVER(!) my patience runs thin whenever someone asks me: “Hey how do I [insert google search query]“. Welcome to office life in the IT department.

10. You must explain everything, regardless of simplicity, at least 10,000 times

Sometimes I wish it were actually possible to replace people with small shell scripts. I’m not an alien. I have 2 legs and 2 arms, 1 head, and I speak English. Somehow in that equation, even the most simple explanation is lost in translation when dealing with a Computard. My favorite part is scanning over the poor soul’s ‘notes’ after I’ve just finished oversimplifying how to attach a word document to an email, only to find an entire Library of Congress worth of text just to cover: 1. Click Attach, 2. Find File, 3. Click OK.

9. At least 3 times a week, someone will say “I can’t print”.

Nick Burns Anyone? This is one of those comments that drives me bat-shit insane. Printers, possibly the most low-tech device in the whole office, somehow manage to foil your 36 kill streak in Quake just about every hour, on the hour. How is it, that a device with a average of 3 buttons, 1 blinking light, and PAPER can be so confusing to the common user? Forget trying to explain what a driver is…

8. You get the same emails, 500 times.

Here’s the scenario. You’ve actually done your job! The website’s traffic is through the roof thanks to you brilliant S.E.O. tactics and semantic code. The problem? “OMG THE SITE IS SLOW” echoes out from the nether regions of your cubicle circus. The first wave of emails from the marketing department come raining in. As soon as you’re done hitting DELETE on the bunch, a second department feels its nessicary to alert you with an individual email from each employee, all stating their own nifty hypothesis as to why the site is so slow. After about 9 waves, you start recieving the “Did you get my email” email, followed up by the “Did you get my email about my email” phone call. Mass murder ensues shortly after.

7. You’re the first to show up, and the last to leave.

God forbid anyone decides to learn how to turn their own machine on or off. Having a ’schedule’ might seem like a good way to decide when to arrive and depart, however your time as an IT administrator does not enter the mind of the co-worker who’s late for Greys Anatomy re-runs. People will leave you the most ridiculous list of tasks to rush through, usually in the last 10 seconds of the work day. You can expect to be bumped up 1 notch on my hitlist for this infraction.

6. Nobody ever saves you any coffee.

Leave it to the advertising team to lick the pot clean, occasionally saving you the smallest, coffee-ground soup-ish, coldest drop of sludge. I broke down and bought a coffee pot which sits right next to me, guarded by a pair of rabid doberman pinchers with sniper rifles.

5. The dreaded “What are you working on?”

Nothing pisses me off more than some idiot poking their head into my office and blurting out “Hey, What are you working on?” I usually approach this question with a deep breathe, followed by a brief moral struggle over whether or not to turn this moron’s brain into an even more viscous mush. Answering this question honestly will often result in your coworker’s head exploding. There is a reason why I am paid to understand these things, and you are not. If you truly don’t care to understand, then by all means, have a nice helping of shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

4. For every hour you spend trying to make things easier, you’ll create 10 more hours of explanation

Forget trying to make these fools’ lives easier. It will only result in further frustration. Let them slink into their anti productive work flows. The more company time they piss away doing things ‘how they’ve done them for 10 years’, the less time they have to bother you. Something as small as moving an icon can have terrible butterfly-effect results. Expect questions like:
“DROOOOOOOOOL…….DERRRRRR……FGGGGGGGGGHHHHNNNNN….UMMMM….WHERE IS MY WINDOWS?”

3. Updates from outer space!

Somewhere along the line, a developer had a brilliant idea that would in fact forever degrade the patience of future developers and administrators: Updates. First of all, don’t get me wrong, updates are great (if you can wrap your head around this astronomical concept). My major gripe here is the fact that a perfectly well written dialogue box, in plain English, will undoubtedly read “PLEASE CALL SOMEONE INTO YOUR OFFICE, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING, TO CLICK ‘OK’ ” to the average grunt. The update might as well read “I am an idiot, Click Yes, Ok, or Uh-Huh”.

2. Do you think you can _____ ?

Unless your name is Boss, or Manager, I never want to hear this come out of your mouth. Ever. This phrase, as innocent as it seems, is a portal to another dimension where every second of your personal life is sucked dry by the things that will “only take a second.” Accept no side jobs from co-workers. You WILL be underpaid and overworked due to your ‘working’ relationship, with no possibility of actually getting what you’re worth. Unless they’re willing to pay you double what you’re making at the gig, walk away. I don’t “think I can” do anything, I know what I can do, and I know how much its going to cost you, and you probably can’t afford it.

1. You are everyone’s personal Google-er.

My mind was blown away the other day by my friend James, who sent me what I feel is the best invention since Google. It’s called LetMeGoogleThatForYou. Basically, its the most passive aggressive way to let someone know that what they just asked you, when typed into Google, will probaly give you a better explination than I can ever give. To some, this may come off as an insult, but others will be wisked away to the magical land of AJAX where an invisible pink elephant will dance into their office and type their question into Google for them. It even hits the search button for you. A dyslexic retard with 1 hand and a lazy eye can usually take it from here. Either way, they’re out of my hair.

Do you have any ridiculous office-related stories you’d like to share with us? Till then, try and keep the high powered weapons out of plain site. They might catch on to your plan…

Related articles

• Where have all the women gone?
• I Heart Geeks
• Geeks, nerds, or dorks?
• Nerd or Geek?
• What kind of Geek are you?
• Robot Lingerie: Totally Geeky or Geek Chic?
• Rubik’s Cube Alarm Clock: Totally Geeky or Geek Chic?
• The top 10 greatest geeks of all time
• The Ars Technica Holiday Gift Guide 2008
• MIT To Say No More Nerds?
• Tonight: Supporting the Troops (By Drinking)
• Sorting 1PB with MapReduce
• Google: Site Search Tweak for Publishers
• Department of Civil Disobedience: Google Should Deliver Its YouTube Data to Viacom in Paper Form
• Our disappearing web
• Google to present millions of photos from ‘Life’ archives
• Google’s Android takes your conversation too seriously [Android]
• Google investing profits in data centres
• Should Organizations Get To Ignore Copyright For The Sake Of Preservation?

Computer, Fray, Geek, Geeks and Nerds, Google, history, Information technology, Library of Congress, Nerd, Outer space, Plain English, Search, Search Engines, Searching, Shell script, Subcultures, tools, Weblogs Hide

Image via CrunchBase

Here at the Microsoft Security Response Center, we investigate thousands of security reports every year. In some cases, we find that a report describes a bona fide security vulnerability resulting from a flaw in one of our products; when this happens, we develop a patch as quickly as possible to correct the error. (See “A Tour of the Microsoft Security Response Center”). In other cases, the reported problems simply result from a mistake someone made in using the product. But many fall in between. They discuss real security problems, but the problems don’t result from product flaws. Over the years, we’ve developed a list of issues like these, that we call the 10 Immutable Laws of Security.

Don’t hold your breath waiting for a patch that will protect you from the issues we’ll discuss below. It isn’t possible for Microsoft—or any software vendor—to “fix” them, because they result from the way computers work. But don’t abandon all hope yet—sound judgment is the key to protecting yourself against these issues, and if you keep them in mind, you can significantly improve the security of your systems.

On This Page

Law #1: If a bad guy can persuade you to run his program on your computer, it’s not your computer anymore
Law #2: If a bad guy can alter the operating system on your computer, it’s not your computer anymore
Law #3: If a bad guy has unrestricted physical access to your computer, it’s not your computer anymore
Law #4: If you allow a bad guy to upload programs to your website, it’s not your website any more
Law #5: Weak passwords trump strong security
Law #6: A computer is only as secure as the administrator is trustworthy
Law #7: Encrypted data is only as secure as the decryption key
Law #8: An out of date virus scanner is only marginally better than no virus scanner at all
Law #9: Absolute anonymity isn’t practical, in real life or on the Web
Law #10: Technology is not a panacea

Law #1: If a bad guy can persuade you to run his program on your computer, it’s not your computer anymore

It’s an unfortunate fact of computer science: when a computer program runs, it will do what it’s programmed to do, even if it’s programmed to be harmful. When you choose to run a program, you are making a decision to turn over control of your computer to it. Once a program is running, it can do anything, up to the limits of what you yourself can do on the computer. It could monitor your keystrokes and send them to a website. It could open every document on the computer, and change the word “will” to “won’t” in all of them. It could send rude emails to all your friends. It could install a virus. It could create a “back door” that lets someone remotely control your computer. It could dial up an ISP in Katmandu. Or it could just reformat your hard drive.

That’s why it’s important to never run, or even download, a program from an untrusted source—and by “source,” I mean the person who wrote it, not the person who gave it to you. There’s a nice analogy between running a program and eating a sandwich. If a stranger walked up to you and handed you a sandwich, would you eat it? Probably not. How about if your best friend gave you a sandwich? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t—it depends on whether she made it or found it lying in the street. Apply the same critical thought to a program that you would to a sandwich, and you’ll usually be safe.

Top Of Page

Law #2: If a bad guy can alter the operating system on your computer, it’s not your computer anymore

In the end, an operating system is just a series of ones and zeroes that, when interpreted by the processor, cause the computer to do certain things. Change the ones and zeroes, and it will do something different. Where are the ones and zeroes stored? Why, on the computer, right along with everything else! They’re just files, and if other people who use the computer are permitted to change those files, it’s “game over”.

To understand why, consider that operating system files are among the most trusted ones on the computer, and they generally run with system-level privileges. That is, they can do absolutely anything. Among other things, they’re trusted to manage user accounts, handle password changes, and enforce the rules governing who can do what on the computer. If a bad guy can change them, the now-untrustworthy files will do his bidding, and there’s no limit to what he can do. He can steal passwords, make himself an administrator on the computer, or add entirely new functions to the operating system. To prevent this type of attack, make sure that the system files (and the registry, for that matter) are well protected. (The security checklists on the Microsoft Security website will help you do this).

Top Of Page

Law #3: If a bad guy has unrestricted physical access to your computer, it’s not your computer anymore

Oh, the things a bad guy can do if he can lay his hands on your computer! Here’s a sampling, going from Stone Age to Space Age:

• He could mount the ultimate low-tech denial of service attack, and smash your computer with a sledgehammer.
• He could unplug the computer, haul it out of your building, and hold it for ransom.
• He could boot the computer from a floppy disk, and reformat your hard drive. But wait, you say, I’ve configured the BIOS on my computer to prompt for a password when I turn the power on. No problem – if he can open the case and get his hands on the system hardware, he could just replace the BIOS chips. (Actually, there are even easier ways).
• He could remove the hard drive from your computer, install it into his computer, and read it.
• He could make a duplicate of your hard drive and take it back his lair. Once there, he’d have all the time in the world to conduct brute-force attacks, such as trying every possible logon password. Programs are available to automate this and, given enough time, it’s almost certain that he would succeed. Once that happens, Laws #1 and #2 above apply.
• He could replace your keyboard with one that contains a radio transmitter. He could then monitor everything you type, including your password.

Always make sure that a computer is physically protected in a way that’s consistent with its value—and remember that the value of a computer includes not only the value of the hardware itself, but the value of the data on it, and the value of the access to your network that a bad guy could gain. At a minimum, business-critical computers like domain controllers, database servers, and print/file servers should always be in a locked room that only people charged with administration and maintenance can access. But you may want to consider protecting other computers as well, and potentially using additional protective measures.

If you travel with a laptop, it’s absolutely critical that you protect it. The same features that make laptops great to travel with – small size, light weight, and so forth—also make them easy to steal. There are a variety of locks and alarms available for laptops, and some models let you remove the hard drive and carry it with you. You also can use features like the Encrypting File System in Microsoft Windows® 2000 to mitigate the damage if someone succeeded in stealing the computer. But the only way you can know with 100% certainty that your data is safe and the hardware hasn’t been tampered with is to keep the laptop on your person at all times while traveling.

Related articles

• Threat to computers for industrial systems now serious
• Microsoft security maturing fast
• Microsoft to seek credit for finding vulnerabilities
• The Ethics of Vulnerability Research
• Microsoft rushes out emergency Windows security fix
• Hackers eye Macs, iPhones
• Microsoft’s urgent security update: What it means
• 10 essential (and free!) security downloads for Windows
• Intel’s Moorestown would make iPhone less secure
• The DNS Vulnerability
• Brian Gardner’s Revolution 2 - INCREDIBLE Premium WordPress Themes
• WordPress Showcase. Brightest WordPress Stars
• WordPress 2.7 Beta 1 available…
• WordPress 2.7 delayed (beta available)
• WordPress 2.7 Beta 1 is out, November 10 release gets delayed

Business, Computer, Computer security, microsoft, Microsoft Security Response Center, Operating system, Security, Vulnerability Hide